JULIUS JEROME MURPHY

ABOUT ME:

Thursday
February 19, 2026
Time: 6:39AM

I recently had a conversation with a long time friend and brother,
Tony. We were in the dayroom together — he in E-Dayroom and I
in D-Dayroom. The conversation was on the weight of this
environment. How it causes wear and tear on one’s psychological
well being. I’d confided in him how the inconsistencies of this place
was really disturbing me. If any of the brother back here know me,
they can tell you on thing: I have always been laid back, cool, calm,
and collected. I never appeared to anyone as a man who’d allow
this environment to affect my personal stability. I must admit I
never thought it would happen to me.

The truth of the matter is it took some time to start really affecting
me. I can safely say it began when I had first gone on bench
warrant. I has longed to see my family and just be on home soil.
You know, you can get to a place in life where you just learn to
cope. In that ability to cope you develop a constitution that keeps
you sane. There is a level of turmoil you’ll allow yourself to fall into.
You also tend to sense it well in advance and make the necessary
adjustments to maintain that level of control you feel you have.
Well I was that kind of person and all it took was for me to be
back home. Just experiencing home brought back all the memories
of childhood, family, and old school friends yes, and even the
crime to which was tried and convicted. It was quite raw. It brings
to mind that old saying, „Out of sight, out of mind“. As long as I was
out of sight of reality, I didn’t need to deal with it. I had high hopes
of something so much greater for myself. I’ll not say my hopes
were dashed again a stone. No! That would prove not to be the
case. But in the process of my getting off death row to returning, I
kind of spiraled out of control! psychologically.

A lot of things that I thought I had a handle on, started to slip from
my level of control. You see I had traversed corridors of many
environments I was not quite used to. Internally I was aware of
how I felt. But I was not quite aware it was affecting my patterns
of behaviour.

I felt I was coping well because I didn’t lash out nor feel I needed
a psychologist.

It wasn’t until I returned to Death Row many of the brothers said I
had changed. I thought that was odd. Why? Because they thought
I had changed. No! I didn’t change. What happened was that all
that suppression I was engaged in, somehow became caught up
in how I thought I was coping before. I wasn’t.

I started to treat people much differently than I used to. It is sad
that so many people think that being cool, calm, and collected
means that we are okay with how others want to be. That is
by no means true. However, experiencing all of the various
characters and environments made me feel much differently and
view people differently. And to this day I still see how much I am
affected by others. I have begun to rein it in and regain that
constitution I developed for many years. But I find sometimes I
use profanity and my temper tries to flare. I now see why a lot of
people have that self harm tag on their doors. It is disturbing to
me and I hope not to be the one who succumbs any further to the
degradation of this place.

I still like to encourage everyone to keep well mannered and stable
people in your lives, to keep you maintained. You never know
what will happen in life that pulls you out of your stability.